to make or not to make

So, the other night, I met one of my campers and her family for dinner while they were touring Israel and during the night, her mother asked me, "So, why Israel? Why chose to come here this year and not, let's say France?" And at first I thought, wow, if you don't know why Israel would be a choice on an American Jewish girl's list than I don't know where to start with you. But I did, I told her about my desire to learn Hebrew and that this is the best place to do that, that though I do not have real family here, there are people here that I can rely on if I need to where as I really know absolutely no one in France. I also talked about future plans post college that might involve Israel and the such. And all of this is the truth. Why I chose Israel over somewhere else for this year specifically.
But, I think maybe there is more to it than this. I've never been in love, so I can't say that I am in love with this country. Also there are a lot of things and a lot of people that I really do not like here. I am not religious, so I feel no spiritual connection to this country and in fact am for some sort of two state solution to give the territories back to the Palestinians. And in fact, since being here, I have become less religious because it is all around me. So what is it that I feel for this country and why? Is it as simple as the weather? Or the history? Or the conflicts? I do not know. And I do not want to sound like all of the brainwashed American kids that come here that I walked off the plane and was wholly connected, because I do not want to be like that way of thinking at all and it's not true. So what is it?
And maybe that isn't important to know. So, I'm here and I will be back and I hope to speak its language, thats it. So when people ask what it is that I am doing here and I say ulpan every morning, everyone goes, oh so you made aliyah (became a new immigrant). And I always say no. Last week, I bought myself a new pair of boots and was talking to the woman at the store because I had to leave to do part two of my ulpan test and then come back to choose which pair I wanted. When I got home and looked at the receipt, I realized that she had taken 70 shekels off of the price. She had given me an oleh (new immigrant) discount because she knew I was in ulpan. Because why would a secular girl want to learn Hebrew if she was not making Aliyah?
And then there are those (who I want you to know are the complete opposite of me) like that super annoying kid in my ulpan class (last post) kids come here to join the army for a year and a half and then go back to the states or canada, so that they can fight for the Jewish people and be "men". And really all they are doing is the second part, boosting their egos because if they really wanted to help the Jewish people and/or the Country of Israel, they would live here and pay bills and taxes. They would send their kids through the Israeli school system and try to improve it. They would help the disenfranchised Jews of this country like the Ethiopians, they would vote. They would plant trees and start families and businesses here, not run around in uniform in a special program for themselves where they are not really needed in an army that relies on its own people who have made that huge commitment to their country. And to say that you are fighting for Jewish peoplehood is absolutely ridiculous because if you were really wanted to do that, support disenfranchised Jews in America. Young people who have lost touch with their religion, but want to find it. Create a strong Jewish family of your own and raise your kids to be Jewish. Fight anti-semitism around the world and support the smaller communities of Jews that still somehow exist. Help create a new kind of zionism. Not learn how to shoot a gun in an olive green uniform. Let the Israelis fight for their country and those who have actually chosen Israel as their home.
So what is my connection with this country? I'm not ready to say that I want to make aliyah and I'm not ready to say that I will not one day do it as well. In my time being here I've realized that this country is not my home until I make it my home and that I do not know if I want to do that. And I think that is a huge American misconception that this country is every Jew's home, because it is not. It's the home of those who make it their home.